How do I introduce kink to a partner?(especially for those shy, ashamed or nervous!)

So you’re curious about rope and kink.. OR... you know your kinky, have been since you can remember - but maybe it's been a deeply private exploration or something you've never shared openly with a partner.

If you've always had fantasies, searched or played online, or only explored solo - but now you're in a relationship and you want to explore... where and how do you even begin? There can be layers of shame, lack of knowledge of how to share these things with another person, or uncertainty about how they will take it. If you're feeling shy or worried - let me give you some tips!

Introducing any kind of kink or BDSM into a relationship can feel daunting, it makes sense... these are deeply intimate parts of ourselves, and absolutely unfortunately there can be stigma, shame or stereotypes and misinformation about kink and BDSM which can push those desires even further inside rather than allow us to own them. Culturally, socially, there can be fears around being rejected, shamed, or simply not knowing how to bring it up if it's never been something you've discussed openly with another person before. My advice - that’s exactly where you start: by naming it and allowing space for curiosity and exploration together. When you don't know how to talk about something, start by saying 'I haven't been sure about how to talk about/bring this up....' there - you started! It is also helpful to recognise we don't have to do everything at once, there are small and accessible ways to start, and ways to bring kink into your relationship with support and curiosity rather than it be a big daunting thing!

Still here...Want to continue and introduce kink to a partner? ... here are my tips once you've started the conversation...

1.Be honest and transparent as much as possible

Don’t try to ‘trick’ your partner into anything or spring it on them mid-play/mid sex, bring it up first outside of the bedroom! Open, honest conversation is everything and helps build trust especially if it's a totally new topic. As I said - if you haven’t discussed kink before, simply acknowledging that can be powerful: “I’ve been curious about something, but I’ve been nervous to bring it up.” .... That alone can open the door to dialogue.

Reassure your partner that this isn’t about pressuring them into anything, it’s about exploring together and finding new ways to be playful and intimate with one another. Let them know why you’re interested in rope or kink: maybe you think you'd find it deeply erotic and exciting, or think you'd love the rush and connection it builds playing with different roles, the aesthetic or texture of certain toys/tools... a physical sensation, a space to switch off or release from the day to day- or maybe you also don't know but you want to figure it out together with them.  This can help them understand where you’re coming from rather than feeling like they need to immediately react with a yes or no, or indulge you in something they don't understand or feel unsure about. Again - highlighting this is something you want to do with them (if that's true!) helps- this is about sharing and intimacy. Who knows... maybe they have their own desires and ideas too!

Introducing kink into a relationship and exploring with your partner can be exciting, vulnerable, unfamiliar and definitely bring up questions... making space for pause, having conversations about consent and what this means to one another will be just as important as getting the gear and getting into bed - take the approach towards play slowly - it will be more sustainable!

2. Learn together (rather than going in all guns blazing)

Kink requires skills and learning about yourselves and one another! You don’t need to be an expert overnight and it’s so much more fun when you both get to discover together.

Especially with rope - instead of putting pressure on yourself to ‘do it right’ straight away, take it as an opportunity to explore. Watch a beginner-friendly tutorial together, join a class, book a private with a professional (hi!) or read about the different ways people enjoy rope or BDSM...whether it’s for sensuality, relaxation, or practical playful restraint. Make space for humour, curiosity, and feedback as much as the serious aspects of play. Rather than expecting to tie an intricate harness on your first go, or do some intense extended bondage or impact scene, start with something simple: playing with the texture of the rope against the skin, simple restriction and touch, combining it with something else you already enjoy and feels familiar. See what feels good....see where it leads. Equally... take the pressure out of fulfilling some stereotype roles of Dom(me)/sub either - these can feel inauthentic or daunting to step into - allow yourself to simply explore what actually feels interesting to you and release those expectations - you will likely discover something much more fun and unique to your own dynamic.

Simply talking about fantasies and desires can also help build the erotic pleasure and leave lots of possibility and excitement without having to carry it all out - again think of it as part of the foreplay. Try on different ideas 'psychologically' with eachother through some playful back and forth about scenarios, role plays, types of play - see what excites you... that may be more accessible than trying to dive right into the practicals!

3. Go shopping (or get creative at home!)

Nothing builds excitement quite like a little pre-adventure prep.... it's like kinky foreplay! Go rope shopping together, visit a sex shop, try BDSM tools out... maybe don't go super hardcore and find something softer or beginner friendly. Think about what 'feels' good rather than simply what is the most expensive or eye catching thing, don't be afraid to hold or touch tools if you can go test them out in person, you may be surprised by the sensations and textures that excite you!

Or... make it fun and turn shopping online into a kinky at home date night: hunt around the house for ‘pervertables’ - everyday items that can be repurposed for play. That dressing gown cord? Soft handcuffs. An old scarf? A blindfold. The wooden spoon? SPANK - you get the idea. The act of discovering these possibilities together helps build playfulness and removes the pressure of ‘doing it right’ immediately - again humour and play is important! You'd also be surprised how many pervertables your local 'kitchen/hardware' shop will have.

You'd also be surprised how much a new outfit, a specific toy, or setting the scene in an intentional way will help shift the mood and allow you to step into a more playful/curious space. Don't just expect it to burst out of nowhere (though who knows, it could) - but many of us need time and signals to our body and mind that we have space to try out something new. So dedicating time to creating that space whether physical or psychological - could support you!

4. Name the nervousness, acknowledge the newness and take each other’s hand

Yes - it can be intimidating to introduce something new into your relationship - but that’s potentially where the journey begins...acknowledging the nervousness and taking the first step together. Acknowledging this also dispells the myth that kink or BDSM is only vulnerable for the 'receiving' or submissive partner - everyone involved can feel vulnerable and are taking some risks by stepping into these types of play and exploration. Allowing yourself to talk about this will mean you can actually often go further than trying to push it down and pretend it doesn't exist - everyone has limits, everyone has desires, everyone is taking risks - talk about it.

For example, this can happen in different ways, imagine a couple where one partner has fantasies about being spanked, yet the other has ingrained beliefs or past experiences that associate hitting with abuse. Even though one partner is fully consenting and excited about it, the idea may still feel uncomfortable or loaded with fear/shame rather than pleasure and eroticism - even if those desires are present at the same time somewhere. An open conversation here is needed before stepping into play, space to discuss boundaries, give reassurance, permission and come to a mutual understanding about what this might mean for someone. Acknowledging that abuse exists while also recognising that consensual kink allows us to reclaim control, transform experiences, and subvert harm into empowerment. However....this doesn’t mean rushing into it after one conversation - especially for the person on the giving end, who may need time to process and ease into it to build up confidence. Honouring both partners' comfort levels, histories, and limits is essential to make this sustainable and enjoyable...

You don’t have to have all the answers or come in with a perfect plan. Instead of presenting something fully formed and expecting perfection....see it as setting off on a journey together - one where you get to play, laugh, experiment, and most importantly connect with yourselves and one another more deeply. I truly think you’ll have much more fun that way! Let me know how it goes....