How do I find my authentic dominant style?

Exploring expressions of Femdom and building confidence in your own unique erotic power...

One of the questions I've been asked often during classes or private recently sessions is...“How do I find my real or authentic topping/domme style?” And honestly? For a long time I think it's very helpful to be honest that I didn’t!

I didn’t explore or express dominance in a way that was truly aligned with my own desires or erotic sense of power. I leaned into what I thought I was supposed to be doing, what I had seen before, stereotypes and roles that I thought others expected me to fulfil... not what genuinely turned me on or brought me into ease and creativity.

So when people are having difficulty finding their own confidence or 'authenticity' in a dominant role...I think that’s actually a great place to start, by noticing all the unconscious influences we carry.We often internalise expectations, stereotypes, or archetypes of what “dominance” should look like. Especially due to intensely different gendered experiences of power and control in relation to sexuality. These can subtly (and overtly!) shape how we show up in BDSM or erotic power dynamics - sometimes without us even realising it. From the outfits we wear to the ways we start, to the tone of voice we use or the sequence of how we play - how much of these things are replicating what we have seen others doing vs. what is actually working for us?

Why "authentic" dominance can be hard to find

When we think of dominant roles in kink, especially in my case I'll talk about Femdom (female dominance) a certain imagery often comes to mind: latex, high heels, whips, commanding voice, the classic "Mistress" persona. Though that might be thrilling for some (and totally valid!), it may not resonate with everyone. I got really good at playing that part and understanding how it worked, but it never truly felt aligned with what I found exciting or meaningful about holding power in intimate spaces.

What felt real for me was something more mischievous, often quietly strong, even soft and more sensually caring. Sometimes just downright creepy and perverted! Sadistic... (cue maniacal laughter). Aesthetically very casual and non fetish - something that wasn’t about performance, but about pleasure. My own and theirs - shared! Stepping into that and exploring it took time. It also meant unpacking the shame and confusion I had around not fitting roles I had associated with what it should look like. It also meant allowing myself to be a bit more awkward, a bit more vulnerable, and a bit more creative - ooh the possibilities become endless! It also meant be letting go of all those weird expectations around how I should speak or hold space which actually put a lot of pressure on me I realised - I found it easier to ask for feedback, easier to laugh and bring humour and silliness into scenes - even down to physically feeling more comfortable because I wear what I want and what makes ME feel good not what I think someone else will see as 'sexy'

So...what kind of power feels good to me?

If you’re not sure what works for you it may help to ask yourself...

• What kind of power excites you?

• What kind of power repels/repulses or angers you?

• Can you think of authority or dominance outside of harmful or abusive roles?

• How are your associations to power shaped by gender, culture, age, race, desirability politics?

• How for you can power be expressed through care, through quiet confidence, through humour perhaps?

  
  

Not all power looks the same and it can be complex. Sometimes what we might be avoiding or most unsure about is where our something really playful and pleasurable might be, something we truly want but feel unsure or unsafe exploring. And this is why I always say: Topping is just as vulnerable as bottoming.

To fully explore your desires and erotic power - you need space and partners who support you to actually be curious, and open. You need to feel invited enough to experiment. It’s okay to try something and decide, “That didn’t really feel like me.”....That’s part of the process.

Not a fixed role

Equally - your topping style doesn’t have to stay the same - just like roles for bottoming and exploring submissive roles can change. How you explore your top side can shift depending on your mood, partner, or stage of life. You’re allowed (thankfully!) to change, explore and be awkward. There is no “right” way to do erotic power.There is only the way that feels real to you.

Use the classic archetypes as a jump off point if they help, but don’t be afraid to break the rules and make your own. The more you lean into what feels pleasurable and aligned with your desires and excitement - the more confidence you’ll build.

A few ways to start exploring your style...

• Reflect on dominant figures (fictional, real, imagined) that inspire you or totally turn you off - why? Can you blend them all to find your very own character to step into...

• Play with tone, space, stance and energy before tools or toys: is your vibe playful? Menacing? Cerebral? Teasing? Silent?

• Let yourself have permission to try scenes that flip the traditional dynamic. What if dominance looked like stillness, or care, or denial - it doesn't have to be about overpowering, service or pain.

• Talk to your partners about what excites you - what excites them? Even if its unclear or you're figuring it out you may get some fun ideas or inspired by them too.

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Dominance and finding what works for you - like all parts of kink, is an ongoing practice. Give yourself space to try on different 'hats' and feel free to throw out what doesn't work for you. What a relief when you find that permission to explore on your own path vs. those already carved out. Have fun! S x